Drew's Brew Beer Jokes


What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with beer.


There's a big conference of beer producers.

At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."



A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.


He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".


After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"




What does a man consider a seven course meal?


A hot dog and a six pack of beer




How does a man show that he is planning for the future?


He buys two cases of beer.



How many men does it take to open a beer?


None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

 

What do men and beer have in common?


They're both empty from the neck up.




Two frat boys were stranded at sea in a life boat. On the 4th day, a mermaid came up out of the water and offered them one wish to save their lives.


The frat boys thought about it and one shouted out,"I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And it happened.


A little while later the other one shouted,"Great, now we have to pee in the boat!"

 

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching

Monday Night Football?


The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.




A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."


With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."


And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.


The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"




What's the difference between a violin and a viola?


1) The viola burns longer.

2) The viola holds more beer.

3) You can tune the violin.

 

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.


They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,


"Oh, Shit!"




A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.


"What are you doing?" she asked.


"Hunting flies," He responded.


"Oh, killing any?" She asked.


"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?


He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."




A guy walks into a bar.


Guy: "Hey, barkeeper, give me a beer."


Barkeeper: "Tell you what, if you can make that horse out there laugh, I will give you a free beer and $500."


So the guy walks outside and whispers to the horse. The horse laughs. The guy walks back in.


Guy: "Where's my $500 and free beer?"


Barkeeper: "Alright, double or nothing says you can't make that horse cry."


The guy walks outside again. The barkeep chuckles to himself as he's cleaning a glass and misses what the guy does, but he hears the horse crying. The guy comes back in.


Guy: "Alright, where's my $1000 and two free beers?"


Barkeeper: "What did you say to make the horse laugh?"


Guy : "I told him I have a bigger penis than him."


Barkeeper: "What did you do to make him cry?"


Guy: "I showed him."



Beer Troubleshooting

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.


If Computer Companies Made Beer

DOS Beer:

Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it is no longer available. 

Mac Beer:

At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical when you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can. 

Windows 3.1 Beer:

The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking a Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it. 

Windows '95 Beer:

The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but taste more like windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows '95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. 

Windows NT Beer:

Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truck-load. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beers, But the company promises to change the can to look just like the Window's '95 Beer. Touted as an"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.


Beer Quotes

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.--Benjamin Franklin

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.--Kaiser Welhelm

I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. -- Dylan Thomas

You will get an inverted meniscus instead of an extroverted meniscus. -- Guinness Spokesperson describing the results of an improperly poured head.


Beer Sea From : T J Myers

Three men were on a expensive yacht in the middle of the sea. The boat sinks and they are stuck on a rubber dingy for a week when a magic lamp floats by and one of them picks it up. He rubs it and a genie comes out and says that he will grant them one wish since there are three of them. The one who rubbed it yelled out that he wanted the ocean to fill with beer a second later the ocean is covered with a frosted foam. The other men then said "Shucks Bill now we have to go to the bath room in the boat".


From : Ken Turner

Q. - What did the drunkard get on his I.Q. test?
A. - Drool.


From: Rolland Barnabe

This guy is sitting at the bar drinking away. The barman walks up to him and say's, You better not drink to much cause your wife will be really pissed off at you. The man continues drinking all night. And then when the waiter shouted out last call, the man tried to get up to go home, he was so drunk he had to drag himself on the ground all the way home. He even Three men were on a expensive yacht in the middle of the sea. The boat sinks and they are stuck on a rubber dingy for a week when a magic lamp floats by and one of them picks it up. He rubs it and a genie comes out and says that he will grant them one wish since there are three of them. The one who rubbed it yelled out that he wanted the ocean to fill with beer a second later the ocean is covered with a frosted foam. The other men then said "Shucks Bill now we have to go to the bath room in the boat".


From Noah:

Q: What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts sell for a dollar ninety eight, deer nuts are just under a buck.

 





If you have any Beer Jokes or Beer News sites or anything else beer related you think I should add please send me the information via the Contact Me page.