Drew's Brew Beer Jokes
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss
her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug
her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her,
stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.
There's a big conference of beer producers.
At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the
president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors,
and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants
to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a
Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
Two frat boys were stranded at sea in a life boat. On the 4th day, a
mermaid came up out of the water and offered them one wish to save their
lives.
The frat boys thought about it and one shouted out,"I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And it happened.
A little while later the other one shouted,"Great, now we have to pee in the boat!"
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching
Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into
the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all
the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the
whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat
down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced
with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:
'Shall We Gather At the River.'"
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
1) The viola burns longer.
2) The viola holds more beer.
3) You can tune the violin.
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five
years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel
drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the
last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,
"Oh, Shit!"
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
A guy walks into a bar.
Guy: "Hey, barkeeper, give me a beer."
Barkeeper: "Tell you what, if you can make that horse out there laugh, I will give you a free beer and $500."
So the guy walks outside and whispers to the horse. The horse laughs. The guy walks back in.
Guy: "Where's my $500 and free beer?"
Barkeeper: "Alright, double or nothing says you can't make that horse cry."
The guy walks outside again. The barkeep chuckles to
himself as he's cleaning a glass and misses what the guy does, but he
hears the horse crying. The guy comes back in.
Guy: "Alright, where's my $1000 and two free beers?"
Barkeeper: "What did you say to make the horse laugh?"
Guy : "I told him I have a bigger penis than him."
Barkeeper: "What did you do to make him cry?"
Guy: "I showed him."
Beer Troubleshooting
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.
Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.
Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.
Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.
Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.
Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.
Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.
Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.
Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.
If Computer Companies Made Beer
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions
carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in 8-oz. can, but now comes in a
16-oz. can. However the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz. each, which have to be
accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep
drinking it after it is no longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.can. Considered by many
to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical when you take one from the
fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about
the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the
side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's.
Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly,
especially slowly if you are drinking a Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no
apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
Windows '95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but taste more like windows 3.1 Beer. It comes
in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most
people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows '95
Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has
some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims
that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truck-load. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like
Windows 3.1 Beers, But the company promises to change the can to look just like the
Window's '95 Beer. Touted as an"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only
for use in bars.
Beer Quotes
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
happy.--Benjamin Franklin
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have
some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a
beer. --Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth
shut. --Ernest Hemingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C.
Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston
Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply If God had intended us to
drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot
out your nose.--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant
you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza. --Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to
pee a lot.--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.--Kaiser Welhelm
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For
Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. -- Dylan Thomas
You will get an inverted meniscus instead of an extroverted meniscus. -- Guinness
Spokesperson describing the results of an improperly poured head.
Beer Sea From
: T J Myers
Three men were on a expensive yacht in the middle of the sea. The boat
sinks and they are stuck on a rubber dingy for a week when a magic lamp floats by and one
of them picks it up. He rubs it and a genie comes out and says that he will grant them one
wish since there are three of them. The one who rubbed it yelled out that he wanted the
ocean to fill with beer a second later the ocean is covered with a frosted foam. The other
men then said "Shucks Bill now we have to go to the bath room in the boat".
From : Ken Turner
Q. - What did the drunkard get on his I.Q. test?
A. - Drool.
From: Rolland Barnabe
This guy is sitting at the bar drinking away. The
barman walks up to him and say's, You better not drink to much cause your wife will be
really pissed off at you. The man continues drinking all night. And then when the waiter
shouted out last call, the man tried to get up to go home, he was so drunk he had to drag
himself on the ground all the way home. He even Three men were on a expensive yacht in the middle of the sea. The
boat sinks and they are stuck on a rubber dingy for a week when a magic lamp
floats by and one of them picks it up. He rubs it and a genie comes out and says
that he will grant them one wish since there are three of them. The one who
rubbed it yelled out that he wanted the ocean to fill with beer a second later
the ocean is covered with a frosted foam. The other men then said "Shucks Bill
now we have to go to the bath room in the boat".
From Noah:
Q: What is the difference
between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts sell for a dollar ninety eight, deer nuts are just under a
buck.
If you have any Beer Jokes or Beer News sites or anything else
beer related you think I should add please send me the information via the
Contact Me page.
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